🐩 Rapturous Love Apocalyptic Dog-Sitting Service

Christian dog-owners! You know it’s the end times because you can read the signs

so clearly laid out in Revelations. Until the Rapture your loving and loyal pet

will surely bring you earthly comfort. But who will tend their soulless souls once Left Behind?

You can’t take man’s best friend through those pearly gates, but you can rest

easy knowing your sweet puppy is in the land of milk and honey and without a doubt

will be loved and cared for by nice-enough non believers whose experience you can trust.

Any moment now you will be called up to Heaven by trumpets, you who have put your trust

in Him. Even so, come down to Rapturous Love Apocalyptic Dog-Sitting Service and sign

up for our care package! The time is nigh, and the prophecies as you interpret them are doubt-

lessly correct. So as God cares for the sparrows of the field, grant us stewardship over your pet.

We are tirelessly committed to eschewing salvation so we can tend to your dog for the rest

Of earthly time–walking around lakes of fire with Fido happily (and safely) trailing behind.

We stay skeptical about the imminent second coming of Christ so you don’t have to! Behind

Every saved dog owner is a helpful heretic. Just fill out our care sheet and coordinate a pet trust

as strong as the new covenant. Many Bible-believing churches have partnered with us and tack our signs

to their Sunday bulletins. Fear not, for our sinful staff are highly trained, and you may no longer be pet-

rified of leaving your dog to Catholic neighbors whose pet-sitting skills you rightfully doubt.

Our pray-on-it guarantee allows you 40 days and 40 nights to discern whether there is any doubt

We can meet your needs. If your money’s tied up in assets, don’t worry about getting behind

on payments! You can initiate a house transfer occurring past the predicted end, and your pet

will stay cozy in its earthly home while you rejoice in God’s mansion forever, so your trust

-y companion may have its own slice of Heaven. Prepare a place for your pet and sign

our contract’s dotted line. Then you can know your dog will be cared for until lovingly laid to rest.

Our most dedicated owners who are concerned about how their dog will spend the rest

of its life can enroll in the Run the Race Set Before You agility program, where your dog will no doubt

bring you glory on earth by taking first place. With just one extra advance payment your dog can sign

up, and you can look down from Heaven with pride as your dog leaves other dogs behind

in the dust. It’s only a little extra to compete for Christ, in whom you (but not us) place your trust,

Amen. A $777 deposit is all it takes to set up a blessed and victorious post-tribulation life for your pet.

At Rapturous Love Apocalyptic Dog-Sitting Service, we know real believers will enroll their pet.

Our service allows you to wait out the end times without stress so you can spend the rest.

of your days with your pets knowing they will have joy in every season. As their heathen trust-

ees your dog’s faithful observance of Christmas and Easter is something you never have to doubt.

If you’re second-guessing the second-coming coming soon, tell Satan to get behind

you! Your name is written in the lamb’s book of life as bright as our store-front’s neon sign.

Minors cannot execute a trust. Rapturous Love denies any liability for damage to your pet due to satanic attacks or apocalyptic signs, natural disasters, civil wars, and the rest of predicted events occurring outside our redoubt. We deny any liability for other pets left behind.

Franky Newcomb

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